Goal

• People want to feel understood and accepted, driven by two primal urges:

1. The need to feel safe and secure.

2. The need to feel in control.

• Listen intently, demonstrate empathy, and show a sincere desire to understand the other side’s experience.

Preparation

• Goal: Reveal surprises in the negotiation.

• Test hypotheses, not assumptions.

• Gather as much information as possible—negotiation is not a battle of arguments.

• Focus on uncovering what your counterpart actually needs (money, emotional, or other needs).

• Sole focus: the other person and what they have to say.

Tone

• Smile and slow it down.

• Use three voices:

1. Late-Night DJ Voice: Calm and slow to create trust without triggering defensiveness.

2. Positive & Playful: Default voice for an easygoing and good-natured tone.

3. Direct / Assertive: Rarely used but necessary for clear emphasis.

Mirroring

• Repeat the last 3 words (or the critical ones) of what the other person said.

• Facilitates bonding and helps your counterpart connect thoughts.

Tactical Empathy

• Imagine yourself in your counterpart’s situation, recognize and vocalize their perspective.

• Understand their feelings and look at their words, tone, and body language to spot incongruences.

Labeling

• Validate emotions by acknowledging them with phrases like “It seems like…” or “It sounds like…”.

• Let the label sink in with a pause to prompt more sharing.

Neutralizing the Negative

• Focus on clearing barriers to an agreement by labeling fears to diffuse their power.

Accusation Audit

• List the worst things your counterpart can say about you first to disarm their assumptions.

Start with No

• A “No” gives control and helps move the conversation forward.

• Ask questions like:

• “What about this doesn’t work for you?”

• “What would you need to make this work?”

Email Magic

• Use subject lines like: “Have you given up on this project?” to re-engage.

Trigger “That’s Right”

• Use summaries to trigger “That’s Right,” which signals deep understanding and agreement.

Avoid Splitting the Difference

• Splitting the difference can lead to unsatisfactory results for both sides, like mismatched outcomes (e.g., one black and one brown shoe).

Deadlines

• Resist rushing due to deadlines and take advantage of the rush in others.

Three Uses of “Fair”

1. Defensive: “We just want what’s fair.”

2. Nefarious: “We’ve given you a fair offer.”

3. Positive: “I want you to feel treated fairly at all times.”

Extreme Anchor

• Set an extreme anchor to bend the counterpart’s reality and make your real offer seem reasonable.

Loss Aversion

• People are more motivated to avoid losses than achieve gains, so make the cost of inaction clear.

Calibrated Questions

• Use questions starting with “What” or “How” to keep control of the conversation.

• Avoid “Can,” “Is,” “Are,” “Do,” or “Does.”

Influencing Behind the Table

• Use calibrated questions like:

• “How does this affect the rest of your team?”

• “What do your colleagues see as their main challenges?”

7-38-55 Rule

• Communication is 7% content, 38% tone, and 55% body language. Pay close attention to tone and body language.

Rule of Three

• Get the counterpart to say “Yes” three times to ensure genuine commitment.

Spotting Liars

• Liars use more words, distance themselves from the lie by avoiding personal pronouns, and use complex sentences.

Ackerman Bargaining

1. Set a target price.

2. Make planned offers starting from 65% of the target to 100%.

3. Use non-monetary items to sweeten the final offer.

Black Swans

• Every negotiation has 3 hidden, game-changing factors (Black Swans). Always be on the lookout for new information.

Leverage Types

1. Positive Leverage: I have something they want.

2. Negative Leverage: I can make my counterpart suffer (loss aversion).

3. Normative Leverage: Use their beliefs and norms to advance your position.

Listening and Face Time

• Listening is key: Use labels and mirroring to understand deeper emotions.

• In-person meetings reveal unguarded moments that can provide critical information.

This cheat sheet breaks down key negotiation strategies from Never Split the Difference, helping you master the art of high-stakes conversations and secure the best outcomes.